Posts Tagged ‘coach’

why my husband quit coaching

Someone recently reminded me about this piece originally posted in 2016 on a site that has since been removed. I felt compelled to post it again because I want to enable coaches to seek and provide for one another the resources needed to keep good coaches in the game. It helps me to know that what I do as a high school coach is actually really hard. For any high school coach struggling with the challenges of coaching high school athletes and their families, I just want you to know you are not alone.

 Coaching high school teams is hard…possibly the hardest kind of coaching there is. I do believe it is possible to enjoy the journey, however, and I sincerely hope more and more high school coaches begin to believe that too.

Several years ago, my kids and I were saying our goodbyes to my husband in the parking lot of a youth hockey arena. My son, who was probably nine at the time, hugged his suit-and-tie-clad dad, patted him on the back and said, “Hey dad, say hi to your girlfriend for me!” My husband and I laughed as he then walked over to me for a goodbye hug and kiss.

More than anything, I wish I had had a camera to capture the dismayed look of the couple who had come out of their car right when we were saying our goodbyes. They looked so confused. They obviously didn’t know the truth of our situation and I wish I had been able to explain that it was a goodbye that made perfectly good sense to us.

My husband has had a mistress since well before I met him. Her name is HOCKEY. She is a seductress and apparently capable of lifelong relationship. Not having known her as a child, I have spent much of my adult life trying to understand her.

It didn’t take me long to figure out she’s quite a drama queen. She evokes such passion from the people who love her. I observed often how passionate my husband was about the sport that so fully defined who he is. I began to note the power she had over him when the only times during the winter months when he shaved, cut his hair, and got dressed up in a coat and tie were in direct correlation to the time he spent at the rink. It’s true she has made her way into our marriage bed too…on the heels of a tough loss or on especially emotional outings.

His love affair started when he was a young boy. She would entice him from a frosted window when the city water trucks would flood the neighborhood rink for their winter tryst. She made him feel so good about himself as he slid to an identity in and out of organized meetings. Passion grew with him and when he began to have a lot of success and recognition for his abilities as a teen and into early adulthood, her hook was set.

They did break up for a while- when the course of their relationship was tested with the arrival of injuries and a new coaching staff in college. For the first time in his life, he was told what sort of relationship he was going to have with hockey, and it was from the sideline. This experience was possibly one of the most painful of his life.

That was when he and I met.

You would think I had power enough to help him to forget his first love, and for a few years I managed to be enough. I could tell that he was like the circle in Shel Silverstein’s book The Missing Piece and he was rolling around the world looking for something to make him feel complete again.

I take blame for the rekindling of his relationship with hockey. I felt somewhat obligated to help him pursue love that had left a gaping hole in his life…it’s what spouses do, right? I honestly didn’t know what a decision like that was going to mean for my life. She has changed everything.

I became the great enabler. I packed boxes and moved small children several times, I single-mothered most Friday and Saturday nights or trekked the three kids out in the snow and ice to watch him pursue his passion. I then became the enabler for the kids too as they showed interest in getting to know her. They’ve been lured into her sticky web and they each navigate a path of childhood that includes relationship with her. I helped make that happen.

Recently, something quite drastic has happened to his love for this lifelong mistress. I don’t know if he has outgrown her or if he struggles with the way other people have tarnished her in his eyes, but the glow has nearly vanished.

He took a head high school coaching job three years ago, after spending the majority of his coaching career at the college level. Probably from day one at the high school level, his passion for the game has dwindled. I’ve worked hard to support him through some of the harder discoveries he has made over the last three years, because that’s what spouses do, right?  Here are some of the things I’ve observed:

  • Most high schoolers don’t yet have a full-fledged passion for hockey (or for anything really). They are growing into the passions they will follow and it takes patience to wait for those passions to emerge.
  • My husband’s college coach demeanor on the bench was quite often misinterpreted as indifference. What people didn’t realize is he has spent a lifetime learning to control his emotions and no one will ever really know how much he truly cares about the kids and the game.
  • It is heavy to carry the weight of responsibility for the parents of teenagers who have ideas about how passion should be taught and fostered. Each person requires something unique. My introverted husband is not equipped to navigate that minefield.
  • He hasn’t enjoyed the 30 varied opinions about who hockey is, how hockey should be loved, or whether hockey becomes a passion for the young men on his team.

I’ve thought a lot about why his passion tanked like it did and one thought I had is that, likely, as a college coach there was no need to navigate relationships like this, because college men who play hockey have firmly established that they are sincerely passionate about hockey. Those who make it to play in college have a passion and commitment that my husband recognizes, and when they gather in the locker room they can see in each other’s eyes a kindred spirit.

If it is time for my husband and hockey to have a final break up, I’m okay with that. She’s done her work to mold and shape a large portion of our family phase of life.  I can see in my husband he is ready to put his energy into other things, like the relationships with all the children in our home. He acknowledges what I do, that their time here is coming to a close, and I am so glad he doesn’t want to miss it. He is also expanding responsibilities for his job and he is at the point in his life where he has to choose how to best expend his energy.

Hockey has served him well. She’s served all of us well, and for one or more of my kids she may remain an important part of skating through life. She can be a fantastic vehicle of connection, and a catalyst to incredible personal growth. I don’t hold any grudges against her.

I know my husband had hoped he would have had a chance to take their relationship to even another level, but he is fully grateful for the gifts she has granted. She brought us together, she has been an integral member of our family, she has been the reason we’ve met so many wonderful people, and she is the reason we live in a place we love with a lifestyle we adore. That’s enough for him.

There will be people who don’t fully understand this good-bye, because they don’t know how much more there is to the story. Just know, it makes perfectly good sense to us.

For the record, my husband still coaches our daughter a couple times a week at the goalie practices for her high school team. 

Copyright Choosing to Grow 2018                                     www.meaganfrank.com

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susan cain quote art

I cheated the first time I took the Myers-Briggs Personality Test. In my late twenties I took the test and the results tagged me as an INFJ. Everything I had observed about myself, or probably more accurately wanted to believe about myself, meant the test results were obviously wrong. I changed a couple of the answers in order to change the ‘I’ into an ‘E’ and went into the group discussion proud of my declared “teacher” personality. There was no way I was a contemplative counselor…or so I thought.

Fast forward fifteen years and my accidental discovery about the truth. Last month, one of my book clubs picked Susan Cain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking. I looked forward to the read because, without a doubt, I had identified my husband and one of our three children as profoundly introverted. I was sure I would learn so much about how my extrovert (ok, maybe ambivert) self could better navigate relationship with them because obviously I was so unlike them.

I took the introvert/extrovert test (3 separate times). Turns out, I’m actually an introvert too. Sigh. I’m still considering the possibility that my husband made me that way, but regardless of my level of comfort in admitting the truth, knowing this about myself is a game changer.

How can this be? I’m a coach, a journalist, a speaker and I consider myself incredibly verbal. That, and for most of my life, people have tagged me as an extrovert. According to the Myers-Briggs description of INFJ’s:

INFJs are deeply concerned about their relations with individuals as well as the state of humanity at large. They are, in fact, sometimes mistaken for extroverts because they appear so outgoing and are so genuinely interested in people.

The more I investigate the description of my particular personality the more sense it makes. Introverts can be and do pretty much anything. We just make adjustments so we are more comfortable. Part of what I’ve subconsciously done, over the course of my life, is I’ve inadvertently adapted the use of my own energy system so I can be better at those things I love to do.

This personality revelation explains why I’ve been somewhat reluctant to coach. I love coaching, but there are parts that tax me and I’ve always prioritized the energy needs of my house above everything else.

I know in my gut that coaching is SO, SO important and there are parts that I really do love. I love analyzing the game, individually counseling athletes, planning contemplative exercises, providing individual technical instruction and relating to the players and family members as well as the coaches with whom I get to coach. I’ve figured out the more I can have planned out beforehand and the more practice I have at the rhythm of a season, the better I do. I’ve set up good communication strategies, drawn clear boundaries with parents and players, worked hard at relationships with them and I’m diligent about all administrative aspects of my job.

I can only engage in those things for regimented periods of time though. Breaks in seasons and days off to rest, are paramount to my effectiveness. Thankfully, I’ve figured out what works for me. (Next step is figuring out how I can encourage a team that is seemingly quite introverted to step out of comfort zones too-blogpost to come)

I’ve been lucky, though. Without seeking out opportunities to coach, coaching jobs have literally landed in my lap. I do feel I am meant to be coaching, but without life unfolding the way it has, I’m not sure I would have pursued it. I think it is harder for introverts, interested in coaching, to have the opportunities they seek.

I’ve actually seen it firsthand in our house. There is no mistaking my husband’s introversion. For many people he is so deeply introverted that he seems off-putting. He is not out-going and certainly unlike most apparently extroverted coaches who seem to be so good at being out there. The thing is, he LOVES to coach and he is really good at it. (especially for the college-aged athlete) He still plugs in where he can, but I’m not sure the coaching world, including families and athletes who espouse extroverted coaching, is quite as receptive to  introverted men who coach.

What do you think? Are you an introverted coach? Are extroverted coaches better at coaching? Should coaching staffs comprise a certain combination of personalities to be most effective?

Copyright Choosing to Grow 2018                                     www.meaganfrank.com

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